Last week we talked about boundaries and how they differ from threats. In an example, we said threats don’t work because “your brother can do what he wants.” Threats simply don’t allow for the unavoidable truth that we can’t control others. No matter how much we’d like to.
One of the great advantages of being a grown adult is that we can be and do (mostly) as we wish. We get to do whatever the heck we want!
Trying to control others is futile. We each have free will, and we do NOT like it when people try to manipulate that!
Basically, you get to be and do whatever you want, and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do—EVER. Even if someone really wants you to. Even if someone throws a fit and makes threats.
You aren’t responsible for how someone feels if you don’t want to do something.
You might want to do something because they want you to, but this is different than feeling like you have to do something because they’ll be mad or punish you if you don’t.
Adults can lie, cheat, steal, come home late, forget, leave their stuff all over the place. They really can (and they do).
You can complain, yell, be passive aggressive, give them the silent treatment, or freak out all you want. Spin the freak out! It’s what we do sometimes.
But when you start to let go of the idea of control, you can have so much more energy. Do you even realize how much energy we waste trying to get others to behave in a way that makes us happy?
It’s important to work on your own thoughts in order to be happy. You don’t have to change others to be happy—and, for sure, they’ll be a lot happier and so will you if you stop trying to change them.
When you stop this approach you get to see who you are really dealing with and learn to accept them for who they are. Then you have other choices besides “trying to make others change.” Perhaps you’ll walk away from the relationship, or limit the time you spend in the relationship and create specific boundaries. The choice is yours. You are more empowered.
But hoping, arguing, and fighting for someone to change usually makes them more resistant to change. When you focus on your happiness (how you create it from within- without relying on another for that) you just might see that they DO make the changes you want! Surprise!
There’s nothing better than being with someone who loves you for who you are and isn’t always trying to make you “a better version” of yourself. It’s also way more fun to pick up your clothes off the floor because you want to, not because someone is pressuring or guilting you into it.
We can all feel better if we let go and let adults be adults. We are all beautiful messes, and that’s ok.
You know what my best friend has to do for me? Nothing.
She doesn’t have to call me back, remember my birthday, be there when I’m sad, come to lunch on time, remind me of how great I am, or love me. She doesn’t have to do any of it.
And if she doesn’t, I don’t get mad at her. If she forgets my birthday, I’ll call and remind her if I want her to know that year. If she isn’t there when I’m sad, I’m sad alone.
All she has to do is be herself, because I love her no matter what. For my sake.
And you know what? She DOES do those things and more, and it’s such a blessing. But it’s all of her free will.
Letting go and allowing for personal individualism and autonomy is such a liberating experience. We can all be freer and have tons more energy to focus on other things, so let’s get to it…
We’re all adults, right? 😃 We’ll most of the time.
Is time speeding up or is it just me? Next week I have time for just one mini session... We’re almost back to a waiting list situation. I talked with a lot of you this past week, who are struggling with all the changes going out in the world! I totally get it. You need a place to think through how you’re thinking and feeling. To sort it all out. To be able to make decisions based on the reality of the current now. It’s confusing how to navigate this new world. Do yourself a favor and get clear. You will feel so much better. Make sure you connect with me as soon as possible if you want to start up now! I can’t wait to work with you.
